I am not a language scholar (beyond A-Level French!), but I started this blog wondering about the origin or etymological breakdown of the word ‘dialogue’. Dia apparently leans towards ‘across or between’ and logue pertains to language.
And if that’s all a bit Greek, we tend to understand ‘dialogue’ as either conversation (formal/political, or informal) or a script for a book, play or film. Either way – it’s about communicating.
So why can dialogue/ communicating be so difficult??!? And what happens when we don’t communicate or we get it wrong? A survey by the Nobel Peace Center (2021), gave sad but not entirely surprising results – such as loss of friends or family because of lack of good dialogue, a disagreement which became a conflict etc. The part that resonated with me:
The survey indicates that our fear that a conflict will arise makes us hold back in discussions with our close relatives. And six out of ten answered that they have chosen not to discuss difficult topics with someone close to them, because it would be unpleasant or difficult.
Nobel Peace Center (2021)
When I am working with separating couples, I ask each of them separately (at their MIAM) about how they communicated during the relationship, and how they resolved normal conflict that arises in day-to-day family life. Many people answer, “we didn’t”. Far from the myth of divorcing couples having blazing rows and throwing the crockery at each other, a more common complaint is the absence of communication meaning that conflict did not get resolved. Ultimately leading to the relationship breakdown. There is a perception that arguing is bad in a relationship. Of course abuse is never acceptable in any form but it seems that two people who can work their way through difficult topics together are more likely to remain in that relationship. An openness to communication also includes a willingness to reflect on our own thoughts and behaviour which enables us to grow and develop.
Avoiding dialogue can be a way of managing fear. Monologue is sometimes about holding (clinging) onto control. Something I notice when working in shuttle or hybrid mediation is that, when not in each other’s presence, separating couples will often mirror each other’s language. They do in fact have concerns about the same things, often voiced in almost identical words. They might tell me what the other person will/won’t do or say – you guessed it, making almost identical comments about each other! As mediator you have a wonderful opportunity to help rebuild dialogue and, when there are children concerned, these parents don’t have the option to stop communication. Dialogue and good communication are arguably even more important post-separation for good coparenting; making sure children feel safe, heard – enabled and encouraged to have their own dialogue.
Good dialogue is two-way, and more about understanding that winning. At the Nobel Center, the belief is that dialogue is more successful than assertion of power or aggression when it comes to resolving conflict and getting to peace. The focus is on the conversation itself, rather than having the last word. That’s a big ask for family mediation, when so many emotions are involved. Participants who get resolution through mediation are those who can acknowledge their feelings but focus on practicalities, those who come to it with an open(ish) mind, those who want to get to a solution they can both work from for the future, rather than win.
Dialogue is not so much a skill (good at getting their point across, confident public speaker etc.), but a mindset. Respect for each other, openness to listen, curiosity as to possibilities support good dialogue and will help you move forward.1
From the book Those Who Listen, Change the World – The Little Book on Dialogue from the Nobel Peace Center
